Reading: Housekeeping Monthly: May 13, 1955 - The Good Wife’s Guide

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest, so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work weary people.

Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.

Gather up school books, toys, paper etc. and then run a dust cloth over the tables.

Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift to. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

Prepare the children. Taking a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.

Be happy to see him.

Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first–remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead try to understand his world strain and pressure in his very real need to be at home and relax.

Your goal: try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.

Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.

Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low soothing and pleasant voice.

Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

A good wife always knows her place.

Pastoral Prayer - Connections Are Made Slowly, from The Seven of Pentacles, by Marge Piercy.

Connections are made slowly, sometimes they grow underground.

You cannot tell always by looking what is happening.

More than half the tree is spread out in the soil under your feet.

Penetrate quietly as the earthworm that blows no trumpet.

Fight persistently as the creeper that brings down the tree.

Spread like the squash plant that overruns the garden.

Gnaw in the dark and use the sun to make sugar.

Weave real connections, create real nodes, build real houses.

Live a life you can endure: make love that is loving

Keep tangling and interweaving and taking more in, a thicket and bramble wilderness to the outside but to us interconnected with rabbit runs and boroughs and lairs.

Live as if you like yourself, and it may happen:

Reach out, keep reaching out, keep bringing in.

This is how we are going to live for a long time: not always,

For every gardener knows that after the digging, after the planting, after the long season of tending and growth, the harvest comes.

Homily: I Am Woman, The Rev. Sydney Kay Wilde

My Mother’s Story

I asked my mom to write about her experiences with the Feminine Mystique and Feminism. She had been married to my dad for 13 years when that article from “Housekeeping Monthly” was published. As near as I could tell she bought into the Zeitgeist lock, stock and barrel, but this is how she tells it:

“Back when I was in High School I used to think I was pretty independent, I didn't hear the word feminism but women were still talking about Susan B. Anthony; I had no real idea of who or what she actually did, but I thought I was like her. It was my Mother who felt the first stirrings of feminism when Women attained the right to vote in 1920. I accepted that right without any idea of how difficult attaining it had been for women; it was just there, and I figured I would vote when I became of age. She (Nana) felt the male dominance when she had to go to work when she and Dad divorced, . She received only $35 Child Support a month until I was 18, She raised me alone, and how she did it I will never know . . .”

For a time my mom and Nana lived with cousins on a farm in Fresno California, this is what Mom observed:

“I don't think the Taylor or Williams women ever worried about feminism, they did what they were expected to do, run the family and the home and the men worked the farms. They also had a lot of children, but that was OK cause they could work the fields and provide too, and the girls could help the women folk doing the chores and taking care of the smaller ones. It was the city women who ran into working for bosses who took advantage of them and held a woman of lesser value than a man.

I remember there was much suggestion that women were prone to being hysterical and flighty and a man was a more stable worker. I remember the War, when women went to work in the factories and did the work the men had done, when the men went off to the War. "Rosie The Riveter" was the real beginning of feminism, women had the opportunities to become independent on their own, and they expected to keep on doing the same thing, one way or the other, after the men returned home. But, most of those same male attitudes from before the war carried over to my generation too. . . ”

Mom goes on to talk about her mother, Nana being harassed in the work place, and about Mom’s first jobs working for family friends or as the cashier at the movie theater, before she and Dad were married.

She describes her relationship with Dad like this:

I always felt independent, in the earlier years when we were first married, then you came along, and with Bonnie, I needed a leader (a father figure) to lean on and depend on. Your father had a great sense of responsibility and in turn he allowed me to be independent and go my own way when he knew it was important to me. Actually the only time I rebelled was when we moved back east, I was so miserable and he was so busy . . . I think he was feeling he was losing his sense of control over his home, and not knowing how to handle me; he just became more of a authoritarian. I remember one night I just stomped my foot and said "you aren't God." I packed my bags and came back to Calif. for 6 weeks. When I returned the air had cleared and from that point on there was a softer side to him, I never let him control me again, but I let him remain in control, . . . I bless your father, he was a good provider, with a sense of responsibility to his family. He worked hard and was a success at his business, . . It seems to me, (Sydney) you have expressed in your life another step forward in the emancipation of women. All the things that would give a woman control of her body and her free choice of what she wants to do with her life, are available but your still having to fight for it to come to fruition. You have been able to have a fine education in a field you enjoy and can share it as a partner with your husband. When you think back to Grandma and Nana's choices in life, I think we have come a long way baby.”

My Story

My parents raised me to be independent. As both my father and grandmother told me at different times because I was born physically handicapped they were sure that no man would ever want me so they needed to raise me to take care of myself. That was actually fine with me and I found it rather confusing as I entered my teens and Mom began teaching me to let the man open the door and help me out of the car. I kept protesting that I could do it myself – wasn’t that the point? It was assumed that I would go to college, although I’m not sure they knew how they would pay for it, I had considerable pressure to earn the good grades so I could get a scholarship. In 1962 there was still some thought that a girl went to college to get her Mrs. degree.

But as a science major I found few girls of that stripe in my classes. In fact, I found few girls in my classes. And most of the fellows who showed some interest stayed clear when I said I was late for Chemistry lab. I had been thinking of becoming a doctor or perhaps a biochemist, but was consistently steered toward teaching or medical technology. I have to admit that bias was not just because I was female. My real talents lay in Religion, Philosophy, Creative Writing and Psychology, but I was determined to work in the field of medicine and only took those liberal arts courses when I needed to raise my grade average.

I ended up a medical technologist, and was shocked to discover that the few male technologists in our lab were paid at a higher scale, because “they had families to support.” It seemed to me that a number of the women I worked with also had families to support; not to mention those of us who were single, divorced or widowed doing exactly the same work for 2/3 the pay. I decided to specialize and went on for further training at the Red Cross to become a Blood Bank Specialist. There I discovered that the Chief Tech. didn’t like women working in his plant. The fact that they had to put in a women’s bathroom, seemed to offend him. All of the department heads at that facility except for my immediate supervisor were men. However, working in what is really a female dominated profession and with my Blood Bank Certification I had little trouble moving ahead. I just figured that if you didn’t get what you wanted you changed jobs and worked harder.

It was at the Unitarian Universalist Church that I learned about feminism. In 1968, I joined my first church. The President of the Board was a woman. She was the first woman to have that role (1968). And, there were women ushers. Apparently the head usher had been appalled when the women volunteered. He was concerned about what they would wear. The ushers were instructed to wear dark suits in those days. The women informed him that they had dark suits. And then there was day the Women’s Federation Board was interviewed for the local paper and they refused to give the journalist their husbands names. They would be listed they said as Evelyn Buell, and Bernadine Ohanian, and Louise Brookhart, not Mrs Frank Buell, not Mrs Abe Ohanian, not Mrs Lester Brookhart. As a single person, about to get married, the dilemma had never occurred to me. We had consciousness raising groups. We discussed the ads that used women and sex to sell products. We questioned the assumptions that women were the weaker sex. We talked about the model of God is to Man as Man is to Woman; I learned the word patriarchy. We talked about never being heard. It was in the consciousness raising group that I expressed my rage at not being able to get a credit card in my name after my divorce, even though I hd been the on to bring home the check and pay the bills. (I will always be grateful to Sears which was the only company that would give me a card and allow me to rebuild my credit rating.) We had a number of conversations about biology as destiny, and I learned about the tragedy of back alley abortions, and recalled that a Junior High girl friend of mine had dropped out of school after what was rumored to be a botched abortion during which she nearly died. I remembered too that she had told me once that her brother kept bothering her at night – oh.

Most of the Consciousness Raising Group Discussions dealt less with the political needs, the need for child care, the need to narrow the wage gap, than with the emotional needs and the changing relationships between women and men. It was becoming clear that if we were to be free to choose the roles we wanted to play in life, that the men needed to be free to do the same, and in fact we were all going to need to share our roles if families were to stay together. We needed men to buy into a new way of being.

Councils by Marge Piercy

We must sit down and reason together.

Perhaps we should sit in the dark. In the dark we could utter our feelings.

In the dark we could propose and describe and suggest.

In the dark we could not see who speaks. And only the words would say what they say.

No one would speak more than twice. No one would speak less than once.

Thus saying what we feel and what we want, what we fear for ourselves and each other into the dark,

Perhaps we could begin to begin to listen.

The women must learn to dare to speak, the men must learn to bother to listen.

The women must learn to say, I think this is so.

The men must learn to stop dancing solos on the ceiling.

After each speaks, she or he will say a ritual phrase:

It is not I who speaks but the wind. Wind blows through me. Long after me, is the wind

It is not I who speaks but the wind. Wind blows through me. Long after me, is the wind

I remember the first time I heard a woman minister speak. It was the early 70's. In 1968, (I was told) she was the first woman to graduate from Starr King School for the Ministry When I entered Starr King about 9 years after Emily Champagne graduated approximately 15% of the students were women. And, about 10% of our UU Ministers were women. I graduated and was Ordained in 1980. Some of the older male colleagues were actively hostile, some simply shunned us, and some were wonderful mentors and friends who welcomed us into the fold. Younger men in our UU Ministry were usually more open, but not always.

My first Church was Cedar Lane UU Church in Bethesda, MD. I worked with Ken MacLean who was Senior Minister and Ellen Johnson Fay who was Minister of Religious Education, I was the Associate Minister working with Pastoral Care and the Youth Group among other things. I recall one of the older men telling Ellen and me that it was so nice that Ken has us as his helpers. We were not amused. I was the first female Parish Minister to serve Cedar Lane in that Capacity. Generally it was not the men who gave me trouble. It was the older women, who I began to realize were jealous, because they had not had the same opportunity as I had. Some of them were deeply bitter at the lost opportunities and constrictive nature of their lives. Others became friends.

In those first 5 years between 1980 and 1985 we had a rule at Cedar Lane that when someone called looking for a minister to perform a wedding, whoever was available or at the top of the list that day took the wedding. If the couple requested a male minister or refused a female minister, none of us (including Ken) would take the wedding. One day in 1985, someone requested a female minister – and we didn’t know what to do.

In 1985 I entered the search process, looking for a church of my own. I did not want to be an Associate any longer. I went to UUA headquarters in Boston and told Director of the Department of Ministry that I was ready to move on. “How long have you been in the Ministry?” he asked. “Five years,” I said. “Oh good,” he exclaimed, “an experienced woman!” He was looking for women to test the openness of larger churches to call women ministers. (Most women were placing in smaller churches which operated on a family model,with Minister as Mom. Larger churches operated on a corporate model; were they ready to have a female CEO/) I settled in a smaller church, which I dearly loved, Davies Memorial in Camp Springs, MD. Until 1998, I was the first women Parish Minister called to each of the churches I served. Throughout that time the number of women in the Unitarian Universalist Ministry was steadily rising. Today we are at 53 % and we serve churches of all sizes.

When Dennis and I began our Co-Ministry in New Jersey I had been a Minister for 12 years. I felt that I had pretty well fought all the battles and had earned my stripes. But I soon learned otherwise. First, there were the local interfaith clergy. When Dennis and I were introduced as Co-Ministers it was immediately assumed that I was riding on his coat-tails. In fact, I have been in the ministry 7 years longer than Dennis. When we met we were both established Ministers, but I was never given a chance to tell my story. After the first 6 months at our new church, I began to realize that I was looked upon has the Minister’s wife. I thought I had already fought these battles! So I had a little talk with the older women’s group and lo, the problem soon disappeared. Co-Ministry was another new frontier. In 1992 the UUA didn’t think it would fly. In some ways Dennis is more of a feminist that I am. His willingness to share not only the ministry but our domestic lives as well is the other half of the equation. If we are to be free, we must all be free to pick and choose and share the roles and responsibilities of life.

Today, in our denomination there is no difference between the acceptance of men and women in our ministry. We are who we are. Women place as well, we are paid as well, and we are good ministers. Our presence has changed the culture of the UU Ministry and perhaps of our churches. There is more collegiality, less competitiveness. There is zero tolerance for clergy sexual misconduct. And over the last twenty five years or so there has been a gradual increase in ritual and attentiveness to spirituality on the part of both women and men. I think that the journey of women into the UU ministry parallels the feminist movement’s impact on our society.

What’s Next

As the Feminist Revolution moved into the 1980's, 90's and now into the new millennium a back lash developed, especially around the issue of abortion. Still we continue to gain ground. In some ways events have overtaken the movement. In many cases economy now demands that women work outside the home, it is no longer a matter of fighting for the choice, the option, to work; it has become a necessity. In fact by now it appears that women can have it all - they just have to do it all - often alone. We still do not have child care funding. We still do not have wage parity. In 1996 President Clinton signed a bill that did away with the national entitlement for welfare mothers with dependent children, without providing child care. But Feminism has gone mainstream. In essence we changed the terms of the debate. Women’s issues are now central issues, and while we have not managed to change the institutions, we have entered the universities and the corporations and the House and the Senate. We have become a force that cannot be ridiculed or ignored.

Unfortunately, no good deed goes unpunished.

The back lash is always with us. The Southern Baptists have made it part of their doctrine that women shall be subservient to men. Violence against women is on the increase. Bills have been proposed to protect pharmacists who refuse to provide contraceptives if it conflicts with their religious beliefs. From my point of view if a pharmacist cannot bring him or herself to provide a legal drug of any kind to a person with a valid prescription that pharmacist should find a new profession. In Virginia one bill was proposed that would have required a woman who experienced a miscarriage to report it to the authorities within 48 hours; luckily wiser heads prevailed and it never made it to the assembly floor.

In the words of Andrew Jackson ( Farewell Address, March 4, 1837):

"But you must remember, my fellow-citizens, that eternal vigilance by the people is the price of liberty, and that you must pay the price if you wish to secure the blessing. It behooves you, therefore, to be watchful in your States as well as in the Federal Government."

Both the Anti-Racism movement and the Women’s movement have provided prophetic voices calling church and society to take seriously and expand the meaning of “the worth and dignity of every human being” – and the work goes on.

The Now Generation

I had the pleasure last week to have conversations with two of our UUCR teens, Emily Day and Madison Crutcher. I wanted to know what they thought about Feminism today. What they told me made me feel proud. In essence they are feminists and don’t know it. They both disavowed being feminists, but everything they said revealed that at their core they are liberated women and expect fairness and justice in their lives. We have done a good job and they take for granted what we worked for over the last 40 years. They are free to make their own choices. And while they may not yet have the experience to see the larger institutional foes, when they do encounter discrimination they will be up to the challenge. The two women are very different, but both are self possessed. Emily wants to be either an Astronomer or a Psychologist. Madison wants to go to Yale to become a lawyer working for children’s rights. They are both talented musically and theatrically. They are free spirits who live our UU values and see no boundaries.

I was reminded as I talked with them of a couple I knew in Atlanta. They had marched in Selma and fought the good fight. They had stood up to racism risking their jobs and perhaps their lives and they were telling the church school their story of the time they had made a difference. The children looked at them bewildered and said, “That cannot be true. No one would treat people that badly.” The couple were devastated. Here was the most important thing they had done in their lives and they were not believed.

That scene has haunted me, but I’ve come to understand it as a triumph. At least in that church school in the middle of Atlanta, they had changed the culture. And those kids, when their turn comes will stand up for what is right.

I have no doubt that Emily and Madison and other young women of their generation are very clear about what is right and fair and when they encounter what is unjust and what needs fixing, they will not let it go by. Some of the issues they will encounter are the needs of minority women. Black and Hispanic Womanists look us white Feminists in the eye and tell us that we haven’t got a clue what issues they face in their cultures. And some of our stands only make their lives more difficult. We will all need to listen to one another. And, there is still much work to do.

I am a female of the new times

I am a female of the new times, Which means I really haven't any clue. Men may carry over some belongings, But women will be altogether new.

Each of us will have to be a sculptor, Carving madly every stage of life. Our models must be pure imagination, Dancing in the winds of daily strife.

I'm sure there will be much I will regret: Freedom offers vast fields for mistakes. But I will spend my time among the mountains, Bathing in the shock of icy lakes.

I know that I don't know what I will be, And find that total ignorance inviting. May many of my sisters come with me! The journey will be painful and exciting.

Stewardship Story – Zero to 200 – Dennis Daniel

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services will be at Downing Funeral Home on Monday the 12th. Due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service. Please send your donations to the "Think Before You Say Things To Your Wife Foundation," Dallas, Texas.

If you reflect on it, you can see that that husband’s response replicated a common male way of dealing with female demands – instead of addressing her desire for the freedom and excitement of driving a sports car, he changed the subject, making a backhanded comment on her desirability. It’s an old debater’s trick: assert control by resorting to ad hominem argument, attacking the person rather than the case the person is making. And of course, she responded in kind, attacking his person with the bathroom scale and maybe something even heavier and easier to wield.

In this church we hope to learn respect for all people. That means listening. It means being considerate in our responses to one another, even in times of tension. It means dealing with conflict at the stage of issues rather than intense emotions. It means trying to foresee the effects of our words, being reflective rather than reactive. We all need such training; we all need to be reminded from time to time. Who knows, we may even save lives.

This again, is one of many reasons why we must continue to give financial support to the many ministries of this church.

Spoken Benediction: And Then by Judy Chicago

And then all that has divided us will merge

And then compassion will be wedded to power

And then the softness will come to a world that is harsh and unkind

And then both men and women will be gentle

And then both women and men will be strong

And then no person will be subject to another’s will

And then all will be rich and free and varied

And then the greed of some will give way to the needs of many

And then all will share equally in the Earth’s abundance

And then all will care for the sick, and the weak and the old

And then all will nourish the young

And then all will cherish life’s creatures

And then all will live in harmony with each other and the Earth

And then everywhere will be called Eden, once again.