Winning the Rat Race but Losing Your Life

 
Not too long ago one of our members who is at least one generation younger than I asked me to address some of her questions, the questions of those with young children and young careers and great expectations. The phrase that she mentioned that sticks in my mind was "When do we get what our parents have?"
 
I would like to say right off, that at age 60, I'm still asking that same question. My mother who will turn 81 this year says that she and my dad are part of the luckiest generation. Those who survived the 2^nd world war flourished in a country with half the population and a booming economy. With the help of Veteran Administration loans, my father went to college and owned a home almost immediately; he went to work in an expanding industry, and over 35 years he rose to the top echelon. He retired with a "golden parachute" and they now live very comfortably over-looking a golf course in a gated community in California. My Dad and Mom and many of their friends made the journey from working class neighborhoods to upper, upper middle class within their life times.
 
I am just 20 years behind them. I too went to college, they helped but I also worked and took out loans. I did my Masters degree on my own. From the time I left home until I met Dennis I always lived in modest rented apartments. When I moved to Maine to marry Dennis we lived in a modest rented house — my first house since I left my folks. It wasn't until we moved here 4 1/2 years ago that I bought my first home, a condo, a nice apartment - but I own it.
 
When Dennis and I married we made some decisions. After two years of serving separate churches, juggling time, cars, careers, kids, and never having enough time together we decided to job share and became Co-Ministers. Had we continued serving two churches we could probably have made nearly twice as much money, but we really wanted a saner life, together. After we had the opportunity to serve a larger church, we decided that we preferred ministry in mid-size churches between 200 and 350 members. (That is why we looked for you.) Again, this opportunity limits our income and runs counter to the bigger is better success story.
 
Last year, when I attended the UU Mid-size Church conference, I experienced a moment of doubt. There I was among all these younger Ministers, and I realized that my friends and peers were all at the Large Church conference. I panicked, had I failed? Weren't we all supposed to progress from small to middle to large churches as proof of our worth? Then I remembered that Dennis and I had chosen this route, and that we are happy here.
 
It is built into our culture: more is better, bigger is better. This is the mind set that powers our economy. To have less, worse yet to aspire to less, is counter cultural; it goes against the grain; it creates self-doubt.
 
Those of you who are 20 or 30 years younger than I, have an even greater dilemma. You have been raised in a world that has twice as many people in it than the world of my youth. The competition is greater, jobs are less secure. We are now involved in a global economy, which means that jobs of all varieties are going overseas and workers' incomes are beginning to fall. Yet our expectations remain the same. When will we have what our parents had?
 
To meet our expectations, more and more families need to have two people working, not for extra cash but simply to hold on to what we have, and perhaps to hold on to our dreams.
 
There is a problem with this picture. Not only are two people working, they are working twice as much. Like the Red Queen in Alice Through the Looking Glass they have to keep running faster and faster just to stay in the same place.
Nearly every evening Dennis and I watch at least one church member come running into a church meeting still dressed in a business suit and carrying a bag of fast food. Even in the rush with no time to go home, some have told us that it is a relief to be at church away from another hectic day. Others have told us that Sunday Worship is especially valuable to them as a time of sanctuary, a time in another world away from the frantic pace. And still others have told us that they won't be coming to church any more because it is the only time they have with their families.
 
There is something wrong with this picture. One of the most frequent reasons that people come to me for counseling these days is stress, the stress of trying to keep up a home, the stress of maintaining a career, keeping or finding a job, the stress of meeting family obligations, the stress of worry about house payments, car payments, school payments, college payments, the stress of appearing to be the person you know you are supposed to be, but maybe are not, the stress of relationships stretched thin.
 
I can empathize with all of these issues, they are worries that at one time or another, or in one way or another, we all share, but a niggling little question keeps floating through my mind — Are you having fun yet?
 
What is the purpose of a large house, a fancy car, the best schools, and all those goals that society has set for us, if we are so tired that we can't enjoy them, if we work so late that we don't see our families, if we find our lives so full that we can't sleep or that our health is at risk? When we find ourselves stressed and dissatisfied, it is time to stop and reevaluate what it is that we really need. What do you value most? What is missing? What is too much?
 
I suppose that one way to reevaluate is to strip away (in your mind) all those things that make up your life until you say — "no" — not without my family, not without my community, not without my health, not without a safety net. Where do you draw the line?
Another way to look at life is to ask what gives you joy. When do you feel most alive? What gives you energy? When are you most satisfied with your self and your world? Can you get rid of all the rest?
 
At different times of our lives the answers to those questions change. There was certainly a time when I worked in order to figure out and even prove who I was? And there have been times when quality relationships were all that was important. I made my shift to the Ministry, packing up and leaving everything I had worked for up until then, when I realized where and when I felt most alive (doing work in my UU Church). I was 33, and that was when I learned that there are very few decisions in life that cannot be changed; we all have many chances to start over, if we are willing to take the risk and choose life.
 
Today, I have found my family, friends and community within the Church and have the luxury of doing what I love best for a living, and having a partner to do it with me, but I still don't have what my parents achieved financially; I have something different, satisfaction and a clear sense of who I am. These days what I want most is to be financially secure, not rich, secure. I want to be reasonably comfortable, and in relatively good health. I'd like to have just a little bit of adventure now and then, and to be with Dennis. Is that too much or too little to ask or work for? Many people have far less.
 
Dennis' children are in their thirties and they pursue very different life styles. His daughter is a lot like me at her age, goal oriented, switching jobs frequently looking for that better, more interesting, more secure career track. Her husband is the primary parent and he takes care of both children while he renovates their homes creating beautiful living spaces, which so far they have sold at a tidy profit. They like to party and have many friends.
 
Dennis' son is much more laid back, he and his wife enjoy simple pleasures, they prefer very, very modest homes in quiet areas. They both work part time (although that may change soon) and share the parenting of their daughter. He is an artist and would like to make a living with his paintings, but isn't there yet. Their favorite vacation is a week at Sufi camp working in the kitchen. They too have established friendships, but they live at a quieter pace.
 
It is hard to believe that these two families are related. I think that they must sometimes look at each other in wonder. Yet each has chosen to follow career paths that give them great pleasure, each is dedicated to their families, and wants their children to be happy and healthy; neither lives stress free, and it is possible that they both wonder if they'll ever have what their parents have.
 
It is difficult to shake the expectations set for us by a society based on consumerism. We are trained from birth, as were our parents and their parents before them, to succeed in life by getting more. Even though we know in our heart of hearts that material success is secondary to love and relationship, we are still pulled by the lure of wanting the best, more of the best, for ourselves and those we love.
 
Those who are single, those who are living an alternative life style, those who are between jobs, those who are overcome by the rapid pace and increasing demands of corporate America are left wondering, where do I fit in. Do I fit in? Many of us experience an emptiness which our culture tells us must be filled by buying more things, or doing more things, or perhaps finding just the right person to fill our emptiness for us. None of these societal prescriptions work, each leaves us as empty as before. Some of us try to fill the void with food, or drink, drugs or sex. Some become depressed. Some drift aimlessly through life. Many are stressed out to the max.
 
Life requires discernment. Living counter to cultural expectations requires strength of character and determination. It can be hard work to find or create for ourselves a spiritual center, but we need to do that work to create a core of meaning in our lives whether that core is a family without frills, or a supportive community, or sense of purpose or ministry. To find our core we must strip away the excess. Is our job fulfilling? Do we need to choose a new direction? Is our home life too complicated or simply repetitive and dull? When do we feel most alive? When do we feel most alive? Follow that feeling!